I'm Losing the Battle

[paolotrepiccione]

This will be my last post on here. I have been fighting this problem as it waxes and wanes for over four years and I can't do it anymore. I have near-crippling anxiety over it and pre-existing BPD (borderline personality disorder) just makes it worse. I obsess and obsess over every symptom and read and reread any and all information which just makes it worse. I can't talk myself out of the infection fear, no matter how much I rational it to myself. It's like logic can't win with me and I can't stop obsessing over it. Any mention, any joke or any perceived link to STIs sends me into a death-spiral.

My last search on here was to do with the momentary genital discomfort I experience when urinating sometimes (not burning or bad pain) and one of the threads I found seemed to discuss it and resolve it but then I read on and the guy was like: "Oh! Turned out I had Chlamydia!". This has sent me into another death spiral that has lasted four days and I haven't slept more than two hours each night which is making my CPPS worse which is fueling the fear and so on. I can rationalise it but the emotional response, the fear, doesn't give a fuck and just beats me over and over.

I am debating just ending everything. I can't live with this or myself. I made one mistake and regret it, clearly I am deserving to pay somehow. Good luck everyone on here, I hope you get better.

[NeoKortex88]

Hey I know how devastating that can be. I've beat myself up for over a year for that one "mistake". I even got tinnitus now. You are not alone with your suffering. So many people suffer in so many varieties each day. People have severe car crashes and sit in a wheelchair for the rest of their life. If you overcome CPPS you still have a quality of life in front of you that many will never be able to reach again.

The good news is you can beat this it just takes time. Don't read to much in what you read online. People either caught chlamydia again or had it all the time meanwhile their symptoms are still caused by mainly muscles. I think you should really look into physical therapy including stretching as this will change muscle/fascia tension for ever.

Also address the psyche as much as you can. You made a mistake but you can't compare yourself to someone who drove a car into a family or who raped 100 children etc. or who was stuck with 1000 of others in cold Russia during napoleons retreat sleeping in corpses of horses and eating human flesh. In that sense your mistake is actually small. It's just you and yourself who has to move on and accept it. Don't be so hard on yourself. Once you recovered you can make it your life mission to have others not have to go through it. Write books and educate the world about CPPS. Maybe that was your mission in the first place.

And take antidepressants and therapist please. I do. No shame in that.

[webslave]

@paolotrepiccione: you have correctly identified mental issues as your biggest problem. As Neo says, please see a therapist and try to get help for the obsessive thinking. I know that relatively high dose SSRIs is one form of treatment. Good luck.

[paolotrepiccione]

After a really bad 48 hours; I have been given 50mg Amytriptyline (Elavil) to help stabilise my mental health and help with the CPPS symptoms, I will be starting these at the weekend to mitigate the worst of the initial side effects. I am under a large amount of stress at work, mainly to do with the company throwing out my grievance to do with them underpaying me for the last two and a half years. This has been a massive issue for me and it still is not resolved.

I forced myself to read up about my Chlamydia fears from three credible sources (and no more NHS, Brookes and Men's Health). There is nothing to support my fear that I could catch anything from a seconds long oral encounter with a professional sex worker. The infection is spread from contact with infected vaginal or seminal fluids. It can, in rare instances; infect the back of the throat but nothing in my reading suggested it could be caught from there. I have had no symptoms to do with it either; no discharge, no burning or stinging or pain (I had a UTI in 2002, I remember that pain VERY well and the minor discomfort I occasionally experience is nowhere near). My urinary frequency goes up and down but the fact there is a link between it going up and my anxiety spiking is no coincidence.

I am trying to hold on to this all being bought about by derailing mental health. I can't access services where I am, so am down to self help books for my BPD and anxiety. I have a long way to go to getting everything back on track.

[Redub]

I can't access services where I am, so am down to self help books for my BPD and anxiety. I have a long way to go to getting everything back on track.

I work with my therapist via a skype video call and it works out well.

[paolotrepiccione]

I work with my therapist via a skype video call and it works out well.

That's a thing? Any suggestions? I am in the UK.

[Redub]

I found mine through the maps website since I was looking for someone who had psychedelic integration experience. I know she has 1 client in Italy so you wouldn't really need a UK therapist as long as you guys can make the schedule work.

On my phone now but tomorrow I'll see what resources I can dig up

[Redub]

Here is one resource https://integration.maps.org/?fwp_integ ... ed-kingdom MAPs actually has to do with psychedelic psychotherapy but the therapists on there are usually regular therapist who also happen to have psychedelic integration therapist. You don't have to do psychedelics to work with them.

You can also use Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling.

I would recommend against using talkspace/betterhelp or those type of online programs. I found them completely unhelpful.

It also might be handy to ask the therapist if they have experience with helping people cope with chronic pain conditions.

[paolotrepiccione]

Just a little update for everyone who reads this thread:

I happened upon a thread on here that spoke about the work of Doctor John E Sarno and I purchased two of his books (The Mind Body Perscription and The Divided Mind) and listened to them both. They talk in depth about the link between repressed emotions and psychosomatic pain. I begun to realise that I met a lot of these criteria and that there is A LOT of shit I never resolved in my past that hit a critical mass. Almost on queue; a couple of days ago I dreamt about a family dog that had sickened and died. I never got to say goodbye and there was significant grief and rage over it all for me, I awoke in tears and was tearful for the rest of the day. Strangely, my CPPS symptoms were nowhere to be seen that day.

I have found another thread by a user named, ezer. That seems to be a repository of information that is my speed. I think there is a lot of unresolved issues I need to confront. I am a very concientious person and have serious problems with holding myself to insane standards and I have done this to everyone around me. I did this to my wife and when she angered me by not meeting those standards; I internalised it for years. I then cheated on her with an escort and all this CPPS started. I do not excuse my actions, I did something shameful because I didn't deal with my issues in a less destructive way. I haven't thought about infections for a few days and it all seems ridiculous to me now. The shame of what I did is the more likely cause. I have a lot of stuff to work out and I don't agree with ezer's opinion about seeking professional help being a waste of time.

My damage goes back to childhood and I can't work through it all alone. I am going to get help. My CPPS has lessened in severity the last few days, not much but some. This tells me I may be one the right track to beating it and my demons.

[Redub]

My damage goes back to childhood and I can't work through it all alone. I am going to get help.

This will probably be one of the best decision of your life.

Almost on queue; a couple of days ago I dreamt about a family dog that had sickened and died. I never got to say goodbye and there was significant grief and rage over it all for me, I awoke in tears and was tearful for the rest of the day

It always felt silly about this but when I was about 11-12 my childhood cat, who was older than me at the time, died unexpectedly and I always kind of thought that it was the catalyst towards a life long struggle with depression but the first therapist I brought it up to just sort of shrugged it off and moved on so I figured I was an idiot and it was inconsequential. My current therapist made me talk about it and I just broke down in tears as well even though that was 25 years ago and I rarely think about it. Oddly enough she teared up because she started telling a similar story of a childhood dog that was hit by a car. I think in a lot of situations people aren't allowed to grieve properly so it gets all pent up. My therapist actually used that incident when she was getting her degree since I guess they have to do some self-trauma therapy or something. She had me write a letter to my 12 year old self and it actually helped a ton. It made it obvious I had a lot of joyous memories about that cat but they were more or less poisoned by never allowing myself to grieve.

Anyways, I brought that story up because for years I thought that it was kind of silly and embarrassing thinking that losing a childhood animal so long ago could of been such a life defining event but it really was.

Good luck, you are making a great decision.

[paolotrepiccione]

Another little update:

My CPPS have enjoyed a reduction in severity and I am pleased to report that I no longer am taking any medications for pain or otherwise. I would not say I am symptom free but around a 60% reduction. I have been doing a lot of mindfullness; examining what is happening around me during a flare. Just stopping, thinking and understanding seems to be helping. I have been having A LOT of random breakdowns and crying a sh*t load over memories and surfacing feelings. This has been accompanied by screaming til my lungs gave out.

I am in the process of starting to see a psychotherapist, hopefully by the end of the month. My job is still a pile of sh*t but I am in the process of looking for a better employer. I am re-routing all of the mental effort and emotional investment away from it and focusing on audio books, music, anything that isn't being there. They will only get the minimum needed from me while I am there.

I am no authority on anything, at all. I can only share my experiences thus far. Reading The Divided Mind and The Mind Body Perscription by John E Sarno has definitely helped, being more mindful has helped and seeking psychotherapy will definitely help. CPPS has a definite psychological element and needs addressing. I never had luck with the stretches or pressure point release, tackling the psychological element seems to be doing the trick for me. Not saying it will be for everyone, but it can't hurt to try.

Thank you for reading.

[Cree]

Keep it up you’re heading in the right direction and thinking positively is a very powerful thing.

[paolotrepiccione]

Just another quick update:
My symptom reduction is still about the same, maybe slightly better. I am due to start psychotherapy on the 6th of March, which I am confident will help a lot. I had a flare up about a week ago and spiralled. In my panic; I ordered a home test for STIs because I got uncomfortable urination one morning. The test (to no-ones shock) came back negative on all counts. I thought about what may have triggered it and recalled that the night before; I had consumed most of a chicken tikka roll that was REALLY spicy to me and apparently spicy food is a no, along with caffeine. I also have been really shit about my fluid intake, the less I drink: the more uncomfortable I get when peeing sometimes.

So, as of now; I am doing better. Still not on any meds for pain, I can manage a machiato in the morning and work is decreasing as a factor to my stress, mainly through my efforts to not give a shit about it more than is required.

The post void dribble and post-cum are still happening and piss me off more than anything, but not in as much pain as I was a year ago.

Hang in their, everyone.

Admin note: I emphasized some things people should be aware of

[paolotrepiccione]

Just a little update.

My psychotherapy has begun. General pain continues to diminish, no ejaculatory pain for a couple of weeks, no rectal pain or perineum discomfort. The post-void dribble / post cum is still an issue but lessening slightly.

This is in serious danger of becoming a success story

My path seems to rely on tackling the mental part of it. A lot of it has been psychosomatic pain that I am getting a handle on. I'm not sure what to do about the post stuff, that strikes me as almost being like a rehabilitation issue. Maybe the prolonged tension has created a stricture or something.

Anyway; keep going everyone.

Admin comment: some of the pain can be 'ghost' pain caused by nerves that are affected by allodynia ... that fades with time (sometimes years, just ignore it and be confident that it will subside)

[Redub]

Nice reading some good news. I'm happy for you!