I ruined my life

[NeoKortex88]

Hey I decided to start stretching exercises. Hopefully that way I can change my body forever and also tackle the bad sleep and not have it come back. I will report if it did anything for me. As I am almost symptom free it will be hard to tell but maybe I can feel the change. Hopefully my tinnitus goes away completely. I picked up producing music as a hobby and I have to be very careful now with this shitass tinnitus.

[NeoKortex88]

I get antidepressants since almost a year and I go to therapy for half a year. CPPS is good most of the time. Sometimes it still burns but I can deal with it. Now Tinnitus annoys me. Also I often think what life could be like. And how long I will have to live before the aftermath of this gets me. Also seemingly no one in my family or my friends can understand my situation. It's frustrating having no one I feel truly connected with. I doubt the relationship I am in.

I am truly deeply unhappy and only writing and making music gives me some joy.

If I was a truly positive or integrated person I would have none of it. No CPPS. No Tinnitus. This also eats me up. I get feelings of suicide everyday for a period of time what can I do to shake it?

[webslave]

Your problem is psychological, not physical. I have tinnitus too and I simply ignore it. You are catastrophizing ("how long I have to live before the aftermath gets me"). I had CPPS at age 30 and now I am 60, but better than ever. What will "get you" is old age,

[NeoKortex88]

Ok I read the whole thread again and I was really all over the place. You all said it, I accept it now, I suffer from a psychological problem and CPPS only brought it to daylight. My mind/brain doesn’t function like a healthy brain it seems. I always focus in / zone in on problems or generate new problems. If one problem is gone I obsess about the next. I find it hard to appreciate my life and enjoy it which is also my problem in my mind. You all had CPPS/ have Tinnitus and you seem quite happy still. I think my hormones or my pathways are wired wrong. I feel so much negativity and sadness and guilt and hopelessness. I think it’s a form of depression. I wish I could go back in time but obviously this thinking doesn’t help at all. I want to kill myself but I can’t do this to the people in my life. I owe it to them to get back to a happy place. My therapist gave me a list where I should note down everything I appreciate each day. I think exercises like this shall rewire my thinking. I really have to work on my obsessive behavior. The last year every waking minute I thought about CPPS and how bad my life became. This is obviously not what a healthy self caring person would do. I think in a way I like to self-harm myself with negative thoughts. It will be hard to reprogram all that. I start with trying to only spending one hour a day with thinking about my misery/reading in forums and stuff and noting down each thing I am grateful for.

[MajorSky1]

There are schools of thought that say that there is a "type" of person who is prone to CPPS: high strung, obsessive, control-focused people.
However, there are also situations where chronic pain can turn someone into an obsessive person. Either way, there is opportunity for change.
Find a meaningful purpose for your life. Find something to do that brings satisfaction to you virtually every day.

There are discussions on this forum - very useful ones - of the psychological mindf**k CPPS can turn into from its starting point, and then into the depths of the hellish pain of it.

The bottom line is that it's essentially composed of two elements: pain and subsequent tightness (which causes more pain, which causes more tightness). Some of us have found that the source, the fuel for the pain is an emotionally traumatic event, or situation that our subconscious minds exploit by creating a pain cycle to protect us from facing a painful part of our lives we don't want to face. People on this forum, more often than not, eventually admit they can see it is their psychological issues that fuel, if not have caused their pain. It's all connected.

The pain is 100% real. But so is the reason we have it being more psychologically sourced than from any bacteria, virus, or chemical.

[NeoKortex88]

Hey yeah I know for a fact that my CPPS is caused by stress & anxiety over cheating. I honestly think I would have dealt better with it and be more calm if it came by itself. First I stressed over infidelity, than over CPPS, than felt guilty and wished for a time machine, than stressed over tinnitus. Now I am stressing that I stressed. It's getting better though but I don't see how I ever get my former life back. All that sleepless nights, that countless trips to doctors, that tests and waiting for HIV/hepatitis tests to be negative. More sleepless nights not knowing what's going on. Cold sweats. Girlfriend kicking me out. No Appetite. Breaking down on my bathroom floor. Countless calls to my mom and sister to get mental support. Not being able to perform at work. Anxiety over long term health being ruined. Not being able to sit for hours even 6 month in. Looking at my dick hanging there lifeless. Seeing all my friends and family still enjoying their lives just as they know it. Seeing my girlfriend being hurt and sad. Anxiety and Insomnia. Not stopping suicide wishes. It's just more to recover from than I think anyone I know ever had to. If you can recover. I keep living but it doesn't feel like a live right now. I hope there will be day were it all seems like a bad dream.

[NeoKortex88]

I am doing better though than when I was at my worst. I can now sometimes sleep without medication. And if I keep my mind busy the tinnitus doesn't bother me that much. I just got into making music before all that so that is something I enjoy but with tinnitus I have to be careful. Maybe I pick up writing. I also went jogging and could run 5 km! Before I couldn't run 1 km just because muscles were so tight. So there is definitely positive progress.
My therapist also helps. I always wanted to be a artist of some kind. I now can see that if I can reach some people I maybe can educate them about CPPS. Talking about purpose. Those thoughts keep me going. Imagine Harry Potter had CPPS. Millions if not billions of people would now know the importance of stretching and what tension can do to your body. That would be fucking awesome. If I write a book and I can only change one persons life that would definitely be worth it 100 fold! Imagine two people. I cannot imagine how much positive impact I could have on this world. Maybe that's my mission. Who knows.

[Chriss]

Hey bro, I’m surprised see you hopeless, don't underestimate yourself bro, you overcame the CPPS, it is one of the biggest obstacles in our lives that you solved it. Its a big ability and I personally follow you to retrain myself to solve my problem. I count on you. Be strong and go on. I wish see you soon happy and vivacious.

[NeoKortex88]

Yeah I gave up on life when I got hit with this. I just thought I am weak and nature is sorting me out. Like Darwinismus lol. It's hard fighting this when you are depressed. My anxiety was through the roof. Thanks man appreciate it. Just stretch like for the Olympics and physically you will be fine 6 months from now.

[NeoKortex88]

The point of posting the article link was to show how any chronic pain condition, when combined with depression, can lead to suicidal thoughts and indeed, suicide. This is the worst possible outcome for CPPS, and we all need to be alert to the dangers of depression, both in ourselves and other members of the forum.

That's one of the reasons I like amitriptyline (Elavil) as a treatment for our group, since it's an old fashioned but still highly effective antidepressant, as well as a lot of other things.

This is exactly my problem. Depression. It made this journey almost impossible for me. My mind constantly tells me I will never be happy again. Which is wrong.

Admin comment: Completely wrong. You must look at depression like the common cold of the brain. Stand outside the depression, look down on it. Yes, it's unpleasant, it will bring you horrible thoughts and despair, but like all things, it will pass, and you will look back and find it hard to understand how or why you could have had such negative thoughts. Been there, done that.

[NeoKortex88]

20 August 2019 and I still feel like I had a chemotherapy while running a 6 week long marathon. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't feel like my former self at all. I am very tired and very stressed. My eyes burn. My stomach hurts non stop. I try to cut out all sugar caffeine etc for now and eat super clean. No alcohol or processed foods either. Maybe I have to get checked for an ulcerated stomach. My psychologist will not longer treat me after another 3 appointments but maybe we will make some progress till then. He thinks I am stable enough now and that he cannot teach me more. Still taking antidepressants obviously. My family still makes plans what to do with me next year, five years from now etc. I just try to survive this week. Nights are bad because my tinnitus is awfully loud. I know adrenalin and stress hormones caused this. In a weird way its good to see so many people suffering with noises in their head. Makes you not feel alone. I feel joy when I go for a walk, play computer games or cuddle with my girlfriend on the couch and watch series. I can also laugh hard at bad jokes. This all is good. Friends are marrying. Getting children. Buying new cars. That's all good for them. Just don't see it on my watch for now.

[webslave]

You could have a touch of CFS, which I had and which is common in CPPS. Tiredness, burning eyes, sore glands, sore throat, sore stomach. Complete de-stressing is key. Don't compare yourself to others; marrying is not the goal of life and children can bring more stress and hardship.

[NeoKortex88]

Yeah I never wanted to marry. Too many people divorce now. I know my girlfriend will leave me if I don't want kids. Which is sad. But I also miss the chance of being a bachelor and having the fun of my life. Which I can't either because of CPPS. I feel trapped. I wonder how a year of high stress hasn't brought me down already. Despite getting CPPS in the first place my body is a fucking beast lol. CFS I have for sure. A mild case of CFS.

[Cure9393]

It’s tough, hang in there. I’m just now starting pelvic floor therapy. They only have me doing stretches so far but this isn’t the specialist I really wanted to see, I had to schedule for next month because they’re booked. I completely left the fact that it’s bacteria at this point. Sometimes I'm in pain others times, low pain, and few times no pain but still ED symptoms. I’m still fighting to get past this and I will. So Hang I'm there and pray!

[NeoKortex88]

You seem to be mentally in check. Thats awesome. You will do it mate.