I ruined my life

[NeoKortex88]

Yes this all did cost me so much energy I don't know how to recover. I feel tired. My stomach hurts and aches. My kidneys hurt. My eyes burn. I can't sleep. I got tinnitus. I have no filter in my brain for noises. I really don't know how to get back to my old former self.

I try meditating. didn't do anything yet. I'll stick to it. All I do now is taking medication to sleep, getting a therapist to talk to, eat healthy and meditate. But I feel like its too late. My body is sooooo fucked up from my self inflicted stress. I wanna go back and change everything. My girlfriend deserves the best me.

[webslave]

But I feel like its too late.

That's called "catastrophizing", and it leads to a poor prognosis. It's also wrong.

[NeoKortex88]

So do you think I can heal and go and live another 50 good years from this point on? I mean the CPPS is healed its just everything else... I feel so tired from this battle and depression. I never wanted to cheat as a kid. Dont know what got into my adult brain. My girlfriend is seriously the best single thing that ever happened to me.

I just have to stop beating myself up. We make mistakes as human... even repeatedly. It's just hard :)

[webslave]

So do you think I can heal and go and live another 50 good years from this point on?

Absolutely!

I feel so tired from this battle and depression. I never wanted to cheat as a kid. Dont know what got into my adult brain. My girlfriend is seriously the best single thing that ever happened to me.

You are suffering from depression and guilt, and you need to see a psychologist.

[Ranzzar]

Hey man; yes you can, sounds like you have a lot to live for!

Ok so you have to be kinder and gentler to yourself in a way and realize this heals slowly and with ups and downs. It really does take a huge systemic toll on many of us and that takes time as well to settle. ... I, for example, had back pains, stiffness, tingling in feet and legs, tinnitus at one point and really bad tiredness and lethargy; I felt like total s*it. Everyday I had to sleep. I thought I could not continue my work............... Slowly it will improve. Try to do some small things that make you feel more healthy and whole again, like some regular gentle exercise, some sunlight/fresh air, a swim, a massage.. whatever it is. Just do it all gently and slowly increase as you will feel better. Keep up with meditation or at least learning to relax your mind and body; this is key. Continue stretches; supplements, dietary measures and whatever else seems to help you avoid or minimize flares. Try to wind back and stop medications and drugs like sleepers....... these don't make you feel good long term. I did this by going from regular use to just intermittent use associated with more stressful parts of my week to now very rarely. When you flare, and this is, inevitable, know that it will pass and try not to stress over it or feel your life is ruined. Learn to calm yourself in a flare... I tell myself "if I wanted it this way; I would be happy"... it's because we so desperately want it otherwise and want to get rid of it that we make ourselves so upset. Dive deep into the calmer waters of your mind and it will pass over you.

And finally as you say let go of the guilt... it serves absolutely no good to hang onto guilt; other than to stress you more. Try to cultivate how to relax your mind.

These are just some things that helped me; and I hope they help you too mate and hope us guys here continue to support each other in our journey none of us wanted but we got anyway (and maybe out of it, through adversity, we grow to become better people somehow)

[NeoKortex88]

The real problem I have is that I just can't sleep without medication. I am just there. Lying in my bed. Before I started to sleep in like 10 seconds. I just cannot see myself taking medication for the rest of my life. I was so fucking healthy before I started going to hookers. Every hooker and the related worries decreased my psyche and sleep by 10%. I see the bigger picture now. The last visit was the final straw. I however had CPPS symptoms before, like post void dribbling and wetting my underwear etc. I was not aware of what is there to come. I feel like I shouldn't even be at this point in my life. I am 31 now since Sunday. I make (really) good money. I have a wonderful flat. Two wonderful families. I was healthy. My early life however was hard. I was struggling a lot till a few years ago. I feel like now I finally have everything I ever dreamed of. And then boom. I destroy it. I see a psychologist on Thursday btw. I envy all my friends who had it easier in life who I finally overcame... I know this is bad. There are so many people on this earth struggling. I just want my strong energized body back.

[webslave]

My early life however was hard.

In what way? CPPS can be linked to a childhood that features abuse or neglect.

I see a psychologist on Thursday btw.

Very wise move.

[NeoKortex88]

I really wonder how strong my body was before all this

3-4 Months sleepless nights,
hot flashes,
shaking,
anxiety attacks,
couldn't sit for 10 minutes,
burning perineum,
burning itchy ass,
general anxiety, suicidal thoughts, catastrophizing,
guilt over cheating on my girlfriend,
guilt of doing it again,
total ED


and now I am still here and all my symptoms are gone... like wtf if I just chilled out. But I couldn't. I was very deconstructive with all this. Everyday for month I did imagine jumping of some cliff. And it took 5 months of PURE stress for tinnitus to appear. Imagine if I wouldnt have done it. Easy another 50 healthy years in it for me. Happy wife happy life as they say.

Now my biggest problem is not being able to sleep and some mild form of hyperacusis (sound sensitivity). However I can sleep with 12.5 mg seroquel. Which makes me wonder. Others take 300mg+. So why do I need 12.5 mg seroquel at all?

[webslave]

Try doxylamine instead of seroquel. Seroquel is not recommended as a sleep aid. Doxylamine is much safer.

[NeoKortex88]

How long can I theoretically take it for?

[webslave]

I took it for several years, although I don't recommend that. A few months is fine

[NeoKortex88]

Couldn't you sleep because of the pain? Or general sleep problems? My pain is gone but I can't sleep. Thank you Mark!

[webslave]

General sleep problems, now gone. I fall asleep as soon as I put my head down.

[ChgoGuy]

Neokortex88 - Have you tried taking any Valerian root? I'm not sure if I've asked you before. Take it like an hour before you intend to go to sleep.

[cam3roni]

On a side note, congratz on not being in pain anymore neo, thats HUGE.