Was: Feeling Hopeless...Now: Feeling Hopeful

Howden · Post by **Howden** » Wed Jan 17, 2007 10:53 pm

bellow bellow: a onetime member of this site reported success after visits to a PT who is located 2 hours from Toronto. I sent him an e-mail to see how it turned out, but haven't heard back. I'm still working on that lead, although it is about 2 years old.

bellowbellow · Post by **bellowbellow** » Fri Jan 19, 2007 11:01 pm

My apologies for being a bit negligent in providing updates over the past week"¦ though as always I sincerely appreciate the responses, comments, encouragement and sage advice"¦. I've been an avid reader of all the other posts in the forum and even though I've been around here for a month (perhaps longer) it still breaks my heart every time a new member takes that first step and reveals in a post his story of unfulfilled longing for a return to normalcy (as if there's such a thing!), probably for the first time to other men who truly understand what he's going through"¦ it's difficult to put into words the therapeutic value of sharing one's pain, anger, despair, feelings of hopelessness and finding out that others who were mired in that exact place are now progressing well toward physical and mental recovery and that some have even gone beyond recovery to a healthier, happier place than before they even knew what CP or chronic prostatitis / chronic pelvic pain syndrome was"¦.

As you may or may not know, I've been attacking my chronic prostatitis / chronic pelvic pain syndrome on all fronts, which means that I've been trying to take a rather profound look at every aspect of my life, including those thoughts, actions, reactions, choices and people that contribute to keeping me in a cycle of pain and despair and those thoughts, actions, reactions, choices and relationships that do the opposite and provide me with relief from my pain, pleasure and satisfaction in my life"¦ In reality I've been finding it a lot easier to write about what I'm doing than actually doing it; I slip so easily into old, comfortable habits of winding myself up into knots over unimportant things or things I can't control and I even find that the clenching of my pelvic muscles has become for me a natural state and that it's more work to remember to relax those muscles than to leave them clenched up"¦. I've also discovered how truly invested I am in my misery and how I've used this investment to keep people away from me, especially those who love me, and to provide excuses to myself for not achieving or completing things in my life; all this is difficult to change, though I feel I'm making some progress"¦. Even the manner in which I had been pursuing so many different cures or treatments for my chronic prostatitis / chronic pelvic pain syndrome and searching in so many places for clues (or that one big, quick-fix, mystical clue that doesn't exist) to unlock the mystery of this condition tells me now that I had lost sight of the fact that the very manner in which I was carrying out that journey was causing me just as much pain as not finding what I was looking for"¦ Reading all his posts, I hope that VeryWorried will come to realize these things too"¦

Anyway, my apologies again for the meandering sentences"¦ for the past week I've been finding that my symptoms are very manageable through the morning until late afternoon, when the intensity of the pain/burning seems to revisit me, however once I get home, relax, stretch (I've found the pigeon stretch is really worth working at), use the chiropractic-thumper-massager on myself and take a warm bath, my symptoms decrease again and I can interact with my family without pain distorting my face or my actions"¦ Thanks to the advice I received in this forum, I've also been able to ejaculate again without increasing the severity of my symptoms by really relaxing my pelvic muscles before and at the time of ejaculation"¦ I really can't convey how much this seemingly little piece of advice has meant to my general well-being, confidence, outlook on life and self-esteem (funny how we men are wired)"¦I've stopped taking painkillers altogether, though I'm still taking valium at night and truckloads of vitamins"¦ so really I can't complain that much"¦ I'm looking into getting some type of cushion for my chair because I'm seated a lot at work and commute for about 1.5hrs a day, which I believe has been contributing to the gradual increase in the severity of my symptoms through the day"¦ thanks again for the support and take care.

bellowbellow · Post by **bellowbellow** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 2:23 pm

Howden... I've given up on my search to find at PT in the Toronto area who can follow the SP with respect to working on internal TP's... the closest person appears to be in the Buffalo area... actually, according to my brother (who is a naturopath) they may not be licensed in Ontario, perhaps all of Canada, to do any internal work... so the only option it appears is to learn how to self-administer by either going to see Dr. Wise or by experimenting on one self... I'm certainly open to the self-administering option, and have read Clair Davis' book, however it didn't leave me with the remedial step-by-step instruction that I find I really need... also the diagram's in HITP were a heavily-populated morass of interconnected parts and difficult for me to decipher (I guess I need another university degree).... so here's my question... When I spoke with Dr. Wise, he suggested to me that the pain/burning in the tip of my penis was very likely referred from the Levator Ani muscle inside the pelvis... I would very much like to see if I can release any trigger points or tautness in that muscle, but I have no clue how to do so... I really need some type of basic tutorial beginning from the point of inserting my finger into my anus to what side that muscle is on, to how to actually move my finger to find it, to how to touch it to feel for trigger points and release them... does something like this exist?? Is there a tutorial for complete physiological dummies like me because I'm certain that without the most specific user-friendly instructions I wouldn't even be able to find the right muscle (if the Levator Ani is in fact a muscle)... can anyone help? Thanks.

bellowbellow · Post by **bellowbellow** » Sun Jan 28, 2007 4:12 am

The resounding silence that met my last couple of posts has alerted me to the fact that I've likely run on at the mouth a bit too long and that the painstaking detail I've been providing has become tiresome to everyone but me... nonetheless I'm going to persist a while longer.... for reasons that are a mystery to me the last few days have been virtually pain-free... I did start taking any accredited quercetin product along with another similar type of quercetin (called queretone) 3x per day about a week ago and I've continued to stretch every night... I also made what I believe is a really liberating decision last week, namely that I am going to live my life as if I don't have anything wrong with me regardless of my symptoms... as a result I've increased my running again (I'm up to 10+ k's on the weekend) and I'm planning on running a half-marathon in late March... I've been masturbating or having sex when the mood hits me and eating healthily but not following any sort of rigid diet.. if CP is going to be part of my life, it's going to have to take a back seat while I get on with things... in other words I've been doing exactly what I've never done before when I'm feeling ill or not right (I'm used to withdrawing into myself) which is to be more positive, outgoing and considerate of others... I now truly believe that my response to my CP (substitute psoriasis or any of the other chronic illnesses I have over-indulged) was as debilitating as the CP itself and since the one thing I can control is my response/reaction/outlook I'm finding that without indulging it in a negative way it's actually losing its grip on me or it's as if we're less interested in one another, if that makes any sense.... take care.

scotsman · Post by **scotsman** » Mon Jan 29, 2007 6:27 am

Great progress

The mind is a very funny thing and it's amazing what a difference it makes if you get yourself into a resourceful state of thinking.

scotsman · Post by **scotsman** » Mon Jan 29, 2007 1:47 pm

bellowbellow wrote:Is there a tutorial for complete physiological dummies like me because I'm certain that without the most specific user-friendly instructions I wouldn't even be able to find the right muscle (if the Levator Ani is in fact a muscle)... can anyone help? Thanks.

Doesn't really answer your question but I've not found any user-friendly guides.

However, take a look at the various links on this thread : viewtopic.php?t=2715.

Richard.

bellowbellow · Post by **bellowbellow** » Mon Jan 29, 2007 3:00 pm

Richard.... very kind of you to send me the links to the images... they are quite clearer than most I have seen... though I really have my doubts about whether I'd be successful probing around in there, finding the right places and then applying the right pressure or technique... too bad there isn't a book called "Self Administering Internal TP's for Dummies".....

Gav · Post by **Gav** » Mon Jan 29, 2007 3:42 pm

Great progress on the positive thinking front bellow. Sometimes that can really lift us all and make us feel better.

I too wish there was an Internal TP for Dummies book out there!!!

GP2 · Post by **GP2** » Mon Jan 29, 2007 5:20 pm

Gav / Bedfellow,

My advice would be to slow down, take a deep breath & try & realize that this condition cannot be beaten overnight & that you won't understand all the various concepts, theories, treatment plans regarding chronic prostatitis / chronic pelvic pain syndrome immediately either.

I've had this for nearly 2 years and have known about this site for a year. I still dont know half of what other guys know. Take it easy (like attempting a massive jigsaw / long puzzle) & give yourself the time & space to work through this challenge in your life gradually.

Like climbing a mountain beating chronic prostatitis / chronic pelvic pain syndrome takes one step at a time! But in the long-run I bet you'll be better of for it so dont be discouraged

Greg

GP2 · Post by **GP2** » Mon Jan 29, 2007 5:32 pm

Bedfellow wrote-

"I slip so easily into old, comfortable habits of winding myself up into knots over unimportant things or things I can't control"

By the way this is one of the positives of changing old negative habits due to chronic prostatitis / chronic pelvic pain syndrome for me. I used to make my brain hurt doing exactly the above but now I have such an accepting, let it go attitude to life & myself that I sometimes marvel at how such a change occured!

scoobysnacks · Post by **scoobysnacks** » Mon Jan 29, 2007 6:02 pm

BB,

Live your life, but also remember it could be that old life that caused this condition. So, its great to get on with things, but you need to mold your treatment around this.

For me I simply can't lift heavy weights anymore without aggravating this, so I jog, and lift very light. I also had to stop soccer for now, but I do my stretches, and the SP, and am doing better and better each month.

Dont take the approach I did for 2 yrs being doing nothing and not modifying anything thinking it would go away.

Regards,

Ss

Howden · Post by **Howden** » Mon Jan 29, 2007 10:22 pm

bb: Your thoughts re the absence of someone who can do the internal, SP type triggerpoint work in Toronto, the difficulty of finding the right TPs without guidance etc. etc all reflect my own. I have thought of hitting the road to Buffalo on a regular basis, but that thought leads me to believe one week at the Stanford clinic might be more productive and generally makes more sense. I applaud your decision to live well in spite of the pain; sooner or later you will get this thing under control or resolve it. Several years ago I realized I had lost my sense of humour and avoided much of the social contact that I once enjoyed. Then, and now, I have made it a point to make regular contact with friends, get as many laughs out of life as I could, and so on. By the way, I have also heard that PT's in Canada are not licensed to go internal. Chiropractors are, but so far as I know they don't do TP work.

bellowbellow · Post by **bellowbellow** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 3:29 pm

Richard, Gav, GP2, Scooby, Howden, as always your words of encouragement and advice are much appreciated.... I've been reading back to my last post where I wrote about my decision to "return to normal" as well as the number of kind and wise responses it generated, particularly by those wiser than me in the ups and downs of CPPS... those who realized that I was perhaps setting myself up for disappointment precisely because the "normal" I was seeking is no longer available to me if I want to be free of my symptoms and because the "normal" I was seeking was probably (perhaps certainly) responsible for igniting my symptoms in the first place.... being a novice, I probably made a mistake most novices make as soon as symptoms abate somewhat, which is to revert back to old habits of eating poorly (I figured that taking any accredited quercetin product was all I needed to worry about in the way of diet), not stretching, not relaxing, wanking whenever I wanted, going a hundred miles an hour and assuming I had this thing completely and forever vanquished.... of course what ended up happening was that my symptoms began creeping back in intensity a few days ago until they felt like a slap in the face for being so stupid... yesterday I went back to relaxing, stretching etc... a bit sheepish for not listening to the messages in the thousands of posts I've read about discipline... DISCIPLINE!!!! DISCIPLINE!!!!!

bellowbellow · Post by **bellowbellow** » Sun Feb 11, 2007 3:46 am

It's been almost a week since I've posted anything... being new to this site I sometimes shy away from adding my comments to any of the other threads... at the beginning of the week I was fixating on the fact that the sexual sensation in my penis is so much less than before I had CP... this is something I haven't mentioned here and I wonder if others have had the same progressive lack of sensation when their penis' are sexually stimulated that I've had... it simply doesn't feel as good anymore sort of like there's a numbness... I also find I have to ejaculate 2x with the second time always feeling better than the first and often with more ejaculate coming out even when I relax my muscles....

More importantly this past week has also been very difficult for me because of something else....I've been seeing a psychiatrist for about 6 weeks now and I have a growing and quite painful awareness that my marriage will not last much longer... besides the fact that I am not physically attracted to my wife which if I twist things around enough in my mind I can have myself believing that she is the biggest cause of my CP because of all the times I've wanted to have sex but because of my lack of attraction or because we're arguing and she's angry all the time I've stifled the urge... so I get angrier and believe that if I had a healthy sex life I wouldn't be coping with this miserable condition... on a rational level I know this is crap, but these things are hardly ever rational... the one overriding truth is that my marriage is a source a stress and not comfort for me most of the time and that I doubt I can feel healthy, physically or mentally, while I'm in it... there are so many complications when it comes to splitting up not the least of which are our two children and the fact that I doubt I can afford to leave... so that's where my head has been for the last five days... and to top it off (no wonder) my symptoms are up and down, though I haven't lost hope in that area because when I step back and look at the gains I've made since joining this site it provides me with some comfort and hope....

carld · Post by **carld** » Mon Feb 12, 2007 3:40 pm

bellowbellow wrote:It's been almost a week since I've posted anything... being new to this site I sometimes shy away from adding my comments to any of the other threads... at the beginning of the week I was fixating on the fact that the sexual sensation in my penis is so much less than before I had CP... this is something I haven't mentioned here and I wonder if others have had the same progressive lack of sensation when their penis' are sexually stimulated that I've had... it simply doesn't feel as good anymore sort of like there's a numbness... I also find I have to ejaculate 2x with the second time always feeling better than the first and often with more ejaculate coming out even when I relax my muscles....

More importantly this past week has also been very difficult for me because of something else....I've been seeing a psychiatrist for about 6 weeks now and I have a growing and quite painful awareness that my marriage will not last much longer... besides the fact that I am not physically attracted to my wife which if I twist things around enough in my mind I can have myself believing that she is the biggest cause of my CP because of all the times I've wanted to have sex but because of my lack of attraction or because we're arguing and she's angry all the time I've stifled the urge... so I get angrier and believe that if I had a healthy sex life I wouldn't be coping with this miserable condition... on a rational level I know this is crap, but these things are hardly ever rational... the one overriding truth is that my marriage is a source a stress and not comfort for me most of the time and that I doubt I can feel healthy, physically or mentally, while I'm in it... there are so many complications when it comes to splitting up not the least of which are our two children and the fact that I doubt I can afford to leave... so that's where my head has been for the last five days... and to top it off (no wonder) my symptoms are up and down, though I haven't lost hope in that area because when I step back and look at the gains I've made since joining this site it provides me with some comfort and hope....

This is a tough one BB, one that should be taken up with a marriage therapist if you have not done so already. If you have and it is still not working, well I wish I could give some sound advise. I do think that your partner has to be very supportive when one is going through the ups and downs of CP/CPPS.